Doubt

I feel myself falling away from the world of duality more and more. I wish I could have just stayed in the status quo. I would not be happy, but I also would not be so afraid.

I'm here....

The eagle has landed. Good God almighty, what a ride! I'm starting to feel what the "push" out of California was all about and where its leading me.... And alot of it was a very real energetic push - like there was a hand on my back. Its funny, I thought in some ways it was an omen for a catastrophic event like a big earthquake or something like that... LOL. Not really the case it turns out.

After leaving my mother's house in Charleston and moving back to my hometown of Atlanta - a place I swore up and down for years I'd never come back to - I'm here, setting up spiritual shop. Ok, maybe its more like building a spiritual fortress for myself. Even though I've come a long, long way in my spiritual formation, I still have a lot of internal work to do to release the reminiscent of ghosts past here, but something is causing me rise up and go at it like my life depends on it. God first, always I say, but I actually mean what I say. I practice it. I live my truth. But this is beyond practice - this is downright conviction.

I don't know how I feel about that - I'm pretty all about being "open at the top." Maybe this is just me laying a very solid foundation for top-opening later... :-)

I decided to do some life visioning to catch a snippit of what exactly it is that I've been called here to do, always knowing somewhere deep down teaching is what I was going to be up to (maybe at 60), but never really wanting to "go there." Ha! Well, I'm here, so freaking great. And that's what came through. Looks like I'm on the docket for doing what I wanted others to do.

I used to say that it was so selfish for a group of strong spiritual leaders to hang out in LA, surrounded by other strong leaders, just being immersed in the light and love and keeping all that spiritual goodness to themselves when the Detroits and the Cincinnattis and the Atlantas of this country could benefit MORE from leaders courageous enough to step out of the love fest nest and do everything in their power to carry the light of Unconditional Love into communities who really need it. Whole impoverished, crime-ridden and drug-afflicted communities could begin to heal with one single person carrying the healing light in their hearts and selfishly passing it on. And yes, it is that powerful.

Of course, that's what we were being asked to do ultimately, but hell no, I didn't want to do it! I was perfectly fine hanging with my girlfriends and playing and growing and loving and living in "the land of the gods." Someone should though. It was wrong to keep all of this for ourselves when there were people who's whole lives, filled with suffering, could be released and transformed by simply communing with that energy.

Great, and I got called and now I know it. I sometimes wish I had read the "small print." That if you tap into that infinite something-something, alot of things are going to get pulled out from under you - its going to take away those things that are not aligned with your heart. No one tells you that! And I don't know if I would have done this YET. This is really not awesome to be quite honest. I'm scared as hell and I've been thrashing around for a month looking for a way out. That's what I like to do I've noticed - jump at a thousand and one endeavors to avoid the thing you just aren't ready to look at, but at the same time you are. Its like the greatest fear and the greatest love, all wrapped up into one.

Sigh.

Alright. Again, I just humbly surrender. I am starting to feel like a puppet, but that energy is so much bigger than me and there is nothing I can do to turn it off anymore.

I don't know if you have to be so damn bossy Spirit! Why don't you just chill out some!

It is finished...

I left.

Its interesting: before I departed, I decided to move out of the way and just let Spirit do all the heavy lifting. Yep, if its one thing I'm learning to master, its surrender. I just stand back and let Spirit do its thang. It was a constant vigilance on my part too. The entire way I listened to contemporary Christian Music to remind myself to let God handle it.

So, God did some good work:

• The maintenance did the walk through... and said that they couldn't charge me anything even though the leasing office said they would. I got my full deposit back.
• The movers came... and I had no problem with them - the cost was firm and they were quite nice and pleasant. I even had a really amazing conversation with the foreman and he gave me a hug before he left and wished me well.
• I stuck a piece of furniture on the truck hoping it would get damaged because I didn't need it. And it did, and I got the insurance money.
• I actually tested running out of gas as I traversed the desert off route 44. When I needed gas, the gas stations showed up.
• Someone walked up and returned my keys to me in Texas before I even discovered I'd lost them. I'm still not sure how they knew they were mine.
• I got pulled over... and the officer said, "you're just a bad driver, but you are alright - you can go."
• My first rainstorm... I got a huge rainbow. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1GI6GoTQld4
• My car started shaking on the road randomly... and so I slowed down and soon thereafter, a cop car zipped passed me.
• Nothing happened to my car and to be quite honest, I didn't do the maintenance before I left.
• I got to help an amazing family impacted by the recession when I needed stuff moved from the storage unit to my apartment. He rocked.

Its interesting how much different my drive leaving California was from the one where I was desperately running to that great horizon. I was filled to the brim with fear and anxiety on my way out there. I had just returned from a project in Baghdad, Iraq where I had witnessed the horrors of war. War is true evil. Once I fled during a security situation and returned to the states, its like I just couldn't stop running... so I got in my car and drove as far as I possibly could away from it. I was also so distraught by the stress of my assignment, I had an addiction to all kinds of pills that I knew was going to kill me. Its like I was secretly wishing death in every possible way. The first thing I did when I got to LA was check myself into rehab for three months. And I was scared shitless, but losing everything - losing control like that - was the beginning of my true power.

Which always gives me faith that there is greater good waiting for me...

I am leaving in peace. And I am so grateful for it....

You can have it all..

By 30! Yes you can.

Here's me at 30, having it all. Can you believe I made 100K a year before I lost my job? Where did it all go? I knew nothing of money until now and I am so mad because I'm going home with a desk and a bed and that's it. In my new life, I will never use credit again. Financial responsibility will be the order of my day. And oh how I will save, save, save!

30, Single, Unemployed and Righteously Confused....

Life got really complicated. And wild. And fast. And scattered.

And then I turned 30...

And then the recession hit...

And then I got laid off...

And then my father died...

And then I just stopped - just like that. I didn't do anything. I just watched it all swirl around me. For an entire 9 months I just sat in a garden, reading. I've literally spent my entire age 30 thus far, just thinking. Because I am so afraid to move.

I studied world religion and philosophy to try to get a vision.

I did Landmark and went on retreats to try and get a vision.

I studied economics and public policy to try and get a vision.

I studied futurism under visionaries to try and get a vision.

And you know what? At this point in life, I don't think we as a country have a vision. Perhaps that's why I feel like I'm just standing still, wasting this whole year, contemplating this future that is so incredibly uncertain - because I'm tapped into the Big Mind. And that's whats on the Big Mind.

I think sometimes that maybe I am a part of a lost generation. This odd generation between X and Y. Y seems to be carving out a new stage in adult development - something like a post-adolescence on the way to "adulthood," and Gen X is finally there, and here I am, at 30, now finally in the new adulthood. I'm it. And I don't know what to do with it, but it feels so serious. Life is very serious now. And all these thing I want to change and fix - that whole record I want to erase in my past - there's no time to go back and do that now. I'm being forced to solider onward!

I have no clue what I want to do with my life! I thought I was so far ahead of my peers until I realized my career is likely keeping me from finding a mate because its so intense traveling and working all hours of the night. Every day I'm on the phone with friends and family telling them about a DIFFERENT idea I've come up with for a career - every single day I do this and its maddening. I might not even want a career! I would actually love to be a mother quite frankly, but the world says I can't have that. Or - wait. Oh yes, I don't have a man yet. You gotta have that first!

I cannot focus to save my life! And I have zero follow through. Because everytime I approach a real decision, I think back to all of those failed decisions I've made in life, and I recheck them methodically - over and over again. I focus in on those horrible mistakes and go search the internet to find out about how one arrives at such a stupid decision and then I get stuck in information holes and research loops on the internet. This is not normal!

I need someone to beat me! Maybe I need to see a dominatrix? Just beat me and give me orders so I don't have to chose! AND, I'm all alone! I left my friends in Hollywood to move down to the OC alone to try and do my job search. What a horrid decision! Why do I make such shitty damn decisions? Its like I have fully failed in decision making. I get an F. I used to be so strong too! I was a rock star IT consultant climbing the ranks and taking names, until the companies kept failing and collapsing and I found myself out of a job. In fact, ever since I stepped out of school, I've been jumping hurdles to navigate layoffs. Its like the whole work world never even really wanted me in to begin with.

I am so confused.

I feel really dumb for being 30, alone, and hanging out on the other side of the country away from my family after my dad has died.

I have to go back to my safety net. I don't feel safe anymore.

I'm going home. Its been a long decision to make - a decision that has cost me alot of wasted money and time, but this is it. This is me letting go of the pioneer spirit - the go westward American Dream and I'm going home to my mother's new house in Charleston, SC to let God surprise me because I am all out of ideas.

Pray for me.