Life got really complicated. And wild. And fast. And scattered.
And then I turned 30...
And then the recession hit...
And then I got laid off...
And then my father died...
And then I just stopped - just like that. I didn't do anything. I just watched it all swirl around me. For an entire 9 months I just sat in a garden, reading. I've literally spent my entire age 30 thus far, just thinking. Because I am so afraid to move.
I studied world religion and philosophy to try to get a vision.
I did Landmark and went on retreats to try and get a vision.
I studied economics and public policy to try and get a vision.
I studied futurism under visionaries to try and get a vision.
And you know what? At this point in life, I don't think we as a country have a vision. Perhaps that's why I feel like I'm just standing still, wasting this whole year, contemplating this future that is so incredibly uncertain - because I'm tapped into the Big Mind. And that's whats on the Big Mind.
I think sometimes that maybe I am a part of a lost generation. This odd generation between X and Y. Y seems to be carving out a new stage in adult development - something like a post-adolescence on the way to "adulthood," and Gen X is finally there, and here I am, at 30, now finally in the new adulthood. I'm it. And I don't know what to do with it, but it feels so serious. Life is very serious now. And all these thing I want to change and fix - that whole record I want to erase in my past - there's no time to go back and do that now. I'm being forced to solider onward!
I have no clue what I want to do with my life! I thought I was so far ahead of my peers until I realized my career is likely keeping me from finding a mate because its so intense traveling and working all hours of the night. Every day I'm on the phone with friends and family telling them about a DIFFERENT idea I've come up with for a career - every single day I do this and its maddening. I might not even want a career! I would actually love to be a mother quite frankly, but the world says I can't have that. Or - wait. Oh yes, I don't have a man yet. You gotta have that first!
I cannot focus to save my life! And I have zero follow through. Because everytime I approach a real decision, I think back to all of those failed decisions I've made in life, and I recheck them methodically - over and over again. I focus in on those horrible mistakes and go search the internet to find out about how one arrives at such a stupid decision and then I get stuck in information holes and research loops on the internet. This is not normal!
I need someone to beat me! Maybe I need to see a dominatrix? Just beat me and give me orders so I don't have to chose! AND, I'm all alone! I left my friends in Hollywood to move down to the OC alone to try and do my job search. What a horrid decision! Why do I make such shitty damn decisions? Its like I have fully failed in decision making. I get an F. I used to be so strong too! I was a rock star IT consultant climbing the ranks and taking names, until the companies kept failing and collapsing and I found myself out of a job. In fact, ever since I stepped out of school, I've been jumping hurdles to navigate layoffs. Its like the whole work world never even really wanted me in to begin with.
I am so confused.
I feel really dumb for being 30, alone, and hanging out on the other side of the country away from my family after my dad has died.
I have to go back to my safety net. I don't feel safe anymore.
I'm going home. Its been a long decision to make - a decision that has cost me alot of wasted money and time, but this is it. This is me letting go of the pioneer spirit - the go westward American Dream and I'm going home to my mother's new house in Charleston, SC to let God surprise me because I am all out of ideas.
Pray for me.
