Doubt

I feel myself falling away from the world of duality more and more. I wish I could have just stayed in the status quo. I would not be happy, but I also would not be so afraid.

I'm here....

The eagle has landed. Good God almighty, what a ride! I'm starting to feel what the "push" out of California was all about and where its leading me.... And alot of it was a very real energetic push - like there was a hand on my back. Its funny, I thought in some ways it was an omen for a catastrophic event like a big earthquake or something like that... LOL. Not really the case it turns out.

After leaving my mother's house in Charleston and moving back to my hometown of Atlanta - a place I swore up and down for years I'd never come back to - I'm here, setting up spiritual shop. Ok, maybe its more like building a spiritual fortress for myself. Even though I've come a long, long way in my spiritual formation, I still have a lot of internal work to do to release the reminiscent of ghosts past here, but something is causing me rise up and go at it like my life depends on it. God first, always I say, but I actually mean what I say. I practice it. I live my truth. But this is beyond practice - this is downright conviction.

I don't know how I feel about that - I'm pretty all about being "open at the top." Maybe this is just me laying a very solid foundation for top-opening later... :-)

I decided to do some life visioning to catch a snippit of what exactly it is that I've been called here to do, always knowing somewhere deep down teaching is what I was going to be up to (maybe at 60), but never really wanting to "go there." Ha! Well, I'm here, so freaking great. And that's what came through. Looks like I'm on the docket for doing what I wanted others to do.

I used to say that it was so selfish for a group of strong spiritual leaders to hang out in LA, surrounded by other strong leaders, just being immersed in the light and love and keeping all that spiritual goodness to themselves when the Detroits and the Cincinnattis and the Atlantas of this country could benefit MORE from leaders courageous enough to step out of the love fest nest and do everything in their power to carry the light of Unconditional Love into communities who really need it. Whole impoverished, crime-ridden and drug-afflicted communities could begin to heal with one single person carrying the healing light in their hearts and selfishly passing it on. And yes, it is that powerful.

Of course, that's what we were being asked to do ultimately, but hell no, I didn't want to do it! I was perfectly fine hanging with my girlfriends and playing and growing and loving and living in "the land of the gods." Someone should though. It was wrong to keep all of this for ourselves when there were people who's whole lives, filled with suffering, could be released and transformed by simply communing with that energy.

Great, and I got called and now I know it. I sometimes wish I had read the "small print." That if you tap into that infinite something-something, alot of things are going to get pulled out from under you - its going to take away those things that are not aligned with your heart. No one tells you that! And I don't know if I would have done this YET. This is really not awesome to be quite honest. I'm scared as hell and I've been thrashing around for a month looking for a way out. That's what I like to do I've noticed - jump at a thousand and one endeavors to avoid the thing you just aren't ready to look at, but at the same time you are. Its like the greatest fear and the greatest love, all wrapped up into one.

Sigh.

Alright. Again, I just humbly surrender. I am starting to feel like a puppet, but that energy is so much bigger than me and there is nothing I can do to turn it off anymore.

I don't know if you have to be so damn bossy Spirit! Why don't you just chill out some!