And then I turned 30...
And then the recession hit...
And then I got laid off...
And then my father died...
And then I just stopped - just like that. I didn't do anything. I just watched it all swirl around me. For an entire 9 months I just sat in a garden, reading. I've literally spent my entire age 30 thus far, just thinking. Because I am so afraid to move.
I studied world religion and philosophy to try to get a vision.
I did Landmark and went on retreats to try and get a vision.
I studied economics and public policy to try and get a vision.
I studied futurism under visionaries to try and get a vision.
And you know what? At this point in life, I don't think we as a country have a vision. Perhaps that's why I feel like I'm just standing still, wasting this whole year, contemplating this future that is so incredibly uncertain - because I'm tapped into the Big Mind. And that's whats on the Big Mind.
I think sometimes that maybe I am a part of a lost generation. This odd generation between X and Y. Y seems to be carving out a new stage in adult development - something like a post-adolescence on the way to "adulthood," and Gen X is finally there, and here I am, at 30, now finally in the new adulthood. I'm it. And I don't know what to do with it, but it feels so serious. Life is very serious now. And all these thing I want to change and fix - that whole record I want to erase in my past - there's no time to go back and do that now. I'm being forced to solider onward!
I have no clue what I want to do with my life! I thought I was so far ahead of my peers until I realized my career is likely keeping me from finding a mate because its so intense traveling and working all hours of the night. Every day I'm on the phone with friends and family telling them about a DIFFERENT idea I've come up with for a career - every single day I do this and its maddening. I might not even want a career! I would actually love to be a mother quite frankly, but the world says I can't have that. Or - wait. Oh yes, I don't have a man yet. You gotta have that first!
I cannot focus to save my life! And I have zero follow through. Because everytime I approach a real decision, I think back to all of those failed decisions I've made in life, and I recheck them methodically - over and over again. I focus in on those horrible mistakes and go search the internet to find out about how one arrives at such a stupid decision and then I get stuck in information holes and research loops on the internet. This is not normal!
I need someone to beat me! Maybe I need to see a dominatrix? Just beat me and give me orders so I don't have to chose! AND, I'm all alone! I left my friends in Hollywood to move down to the OC alone to try and do my job search. What a horrid decision! Why do I make such shitty damn decisions? Its like I have fully failed in decision making. I get an F. I used to be so strong too! I was a rock star IT consultant climbing the ranks and taking names, until the companies kept failing and collapsing and I found myself out of a job. In fact, ever since I stepped out of school, I've been jumping hurdles to navigate layoffs. Its like the whole work world never even really wanted me in to begin with.
I am so confused.
I feel really dumb for being 30, alone, and hanging out on the other side of the country away from my family after my dad has died.
I have to go back to my safety net. I don't feel safe anymore.
I'm going home. Its been a long decision to make - a decision that has cost me alot of wasted money and time, but this is it. This is me letting go of the pioneer spirit - the go westward American Dream and I'm going home to my mother's new house in Charleston, SC to let God surprise me because I am all out of ideas.
Pray for me.
Sometimes you have to go through hard things in life to truly find the real you. I don't know why but you just do...I'm sorry you are going through this low point in your life...but it will get better. Just prioritize and take it one day at a time. Don't expect things to happen over night. Just hold your head up and keep marching onward and upward. Also, I'm sorry about your father. I lost my mom 13 years ago and it feels like yesterday.
ReplyDeleteI came across your blogs following your post on f*ckcorporateamerica.blogspot.com so that should give you an idea where I am coming from. I am an IT manager for a large Atlanta company and the more I see of corporate america the more digusted and dirty I feel. Everyday I think about what it will be like when my plan comes to fruition in four years and I get out. It saddens me to see someone else go through corporate america and get spit out and tossed aside when it sees fit. I am sorry to hear about your situation but hope that you find the strength to continue moving on and never give up who you are in the core of your heart.
ReplyDeleteCC! I feel you! I've come to a new realization about that over this past year - that it is for my ultimate good. I've have found the strength and I will never go back. Once a person drops their ego they also see through the system. I've always despised corporate America. My father forced me to be a part of that race. What exists in your heart right now, the whole world will know in 5 years. There are no secrets. And no, I'm not even giving it up to go into business for myself. Money doesn't tempt me anymore. I'm actually in bartending school. My freedom is more precious than anything in this world and no one will ever have that power over me again. I'm not out to try and be a man and smash through a glass ceiling. Those institions were born out of patriarchy and they will die in patriarchy. But they will not take my beautiful, feminine, fully expressed free soul.
ReplyDeleteI do not know your current financial situtation but would it be wise to go back to your previous IT job while you look for the meaning of your life, especially in a time of economic downtime right now ?
ReplyDeleteI stumbled across your blog when I searched for [30, single and unemployed]. I fell into this category last year when I quit the CLS [clinical lab scientist] program last year. I was overcoming depression and remorse for what was in store for me to fight in the future.
ReplyDeleteI always thought of myself as a failure when I graduated from high school. Life did not seem very exciting and beneficial. Everyone was in the game of success only to benefit for themselves.
Look where I am now. I still live with my parents, no job, no income, single, and almost 30 years old. I took 7 years to graduate from college. Presently, I am not in good standing I must say.
If I only had one thing to say, I would say this, "Is hope transformed into false hope for people who are considered as failures in our society?"
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ReplyDeleteIm so sorry... Im in a similar situation...
ReplyDeleteI'm 30 years old, still live at home with my mom, unemployed, broke, in debt, single...
I was a total punk in high school (Mohawk to boot) I didn't care about school and felt like an outsider, I never graduated from high school. I took 2 years off and then went to culinary school, hated it and dropped out... I then went to do hairdressing.. Lasted 3 years and left, since then I've had numerous dead end jobs that paid little and that I hated, I never lasted more than a year. I've long grown out of my punk phase and am now a mature young woman, I have ambition and want to get somewhere in life but I've made so many mistakes and stuffed up my 20's. My resume looks appalling and unstable so people don't want to hire me.
I was also diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder 2 years ago and my fits of rage and insecurities drive all men away after a month, I was hospitalised this year for 2 months for my condition and the psychiatrists told me that my lack of direction and instability in jobs is also due to my condition. Meds don't work and neither does therapy. I was no sooner out of hospital when my mother who is also my best friend was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. I need to become self sufficient and fast because nobody is going to be here to catch my fall anymore. I'm bright and attractive and should have a lot going for me but I don't... I feel like a total failure, my sister is a partner of a really prestigious law firm and earns big money and lives in a massive house in a wealthy area, I will never live up to that standard, the pressure has all become too much and I'm depressed, I've lost my will to live and see no hope in sight. I'm losing the only person in my life who truly knows me and loves me and when she's gone... Who knows what's to become of me. I don't want this to be my life... I want to find a career where I can earn a comfortable living, I want to meet a nice man and settle down into my own home and start my life but there is no guide to tell me how to achieve that and I'm clueless and depleted of all hope.